erindeath

boo

Tue, 26 May 2009 01:18:45 GMT

not every day can be filled with adventure and excitement.
not every one will meet my expectations.
i will not always meet others expectations.
i can't always get my way.
i will not always be sane and rational.
i will expect you to be and probably be mad when you aren't.
i will cry at least once a week over something silly or not so silly.
death hurts and i will never react to it well.
there will be regret and i am right to regret.
i appreciate you more than any other person on this earth might possibly, whether i will muster the ability to show it is another story.
good intentions aren't enough.
it is better to react better, than to write an eloquent apology.
i'm embarrassed by very little.
i want to be the only one and that's just how it's gonna be.
i will by your cheerleader to the end of the earth and probably off of it.
i want you to believe in me.

sigh, this is where i'm at this week. it feels pretty awful. i want a good hard hug and someone to let me get all snotty cry up in their chest. i want to not feel so passionately towards everything and everyone. i would like to ride the middle of the road for awhile. i want to be the wallflower. i want to be eh about something. i want to not want to scream at the top of my lungs about how i feel. i want to listen and learn. will i? probably not.

wanting to punch myself over and over in the face...

Thu, 02 Apr 2009 04:09:28 GMT

that's what dating Ben is like. This sucks because he is amazing. I can do better and am going to. The day of the eccentric tortured artist bullshit is over. Time to get a job and get back to real life. Fuck you for saying a bunch of bullshit that contradicted everything you said last time. Then have the nerve to think I would invite you to my high school reunion. Why so you can freak out and be crazy to old schoolmates. Note to self stop falling in love, no matter how awesome they seem. Hey he have me a guitar and said I could project snoopy and the red baron at his show and he would record a Diamonds song in the voice of Beeker. Fuck I hate you. I didn't get mixed signals you just feel the need to dominate and take control of my feelings. Well sorry ain't happening. But your friends rule.

Erin

p.s. yes, i still love you. you offered to do a lot of things for me no man has ever offered. i love watching you work on a song. i love sitting next to you reading books and giggling about nothing then you playing human drum machine on me. i will not love your bipolar nature my mother is the only one that holds that spot. you will be my new very close wonderful friend who i will be there for no matter what. i mean that i don't want you to brush me off like your other girlfriends i deserve that much from you. i'm sorry i didn't tell you i was getting married. i didn't think you cared, but apparently you cared a lot and not letting go. i'm sorry.

a good ending,

Mon, 26 May 2008 17:33:33 GMT

to a very long stay. so i will be moving as of June 1st to another apartment with a new roommate. leaving 1131 Mcdonald and all it's craziness behind. it was a good 3 years, i got a lot out of it. thom and i's relationship was mostly crap, but i'm here and i think it was where i was suppose to be. i have never had a plan or ambition for myself in life and somehow i have managed i think to get pretty far. i am at a new place now. i am looking for more. i am around amazing people living and pursing life long dreams every day and it's unbelievable. i meet so many talented, witty, awesome people and can't imagine being anywhere else. this is not a place where you can sit idle. i am being left to my own devices and plan to make the most of it. i am happy to be moving, single, and working in film. it is a perfect trifecta. for the first time in a long time i am very content.

for carla...

Mon, 03 Dec 2007 17:22:29 GMT

creepier & creepier...

Thu, 29 Nov 2007 19:06:23 GMT

i slowly become. i dream of the day i learn to stop from mouth from saying every god damn thing that comes into my head. i don't deem myself creepy as much of a spazz. ok well that is out of the way and we will segway into things that are generally related to this. last night as i sat alone at 2 am listening to "Fresh Air" podcasts playing mario galaxy i could hear the neighbors giggling and yelling all while the tinkling of their wii played.

BACKSTORY: the neighbors are a giant collective group of people that include some persons that went to film school with thom & friends of theirs. five of them live there now but at times there have been up to 9. thom and them had some kind of falling out of sorts. i don't know it was just akward all this was before me though so unfortantly i have not been able to befriend this kind of rad large group of people that live one door away from me, in may i add an all hacedic neighborhood. while i sit at home many a lonely night i hear them giggle and have band practice, play loud music, and general awesome amounts of raucous. it has been driving me nuts, every time i would try to be friendly i was shot down.

finally my time came. we went to a halloween party that the neighbors were also at due to thom's usual need for drunken assholeness i was left alone to my own devices which included sleazy dancing with some dude that kept telling me to put down my beer and dance with heart (you cannot dance with heart w/o a beer as far as i'm concerned!) and of course cutting up a rug with the neighbors. my in was the adorable mad scientist dude who moved in less that a year ago he rules and we talk about the ergs & the aquabats. since then more polite nods have been exchanged and some jokes, Er the ice was still not completly broken. well the other night i was locked out of the house and usually i can climb thru the neighbors window to our window which is usually unlocked. it was locked so they were forced to bro down with me. i watched movies that they had made, played wii and generally had a good time. they invited us to thanksgiving, but i was in batlimore thom turned down this invitation to drink wine alone till he passed out. as of last night though i am determined to be their bosom buddy and that's all there is to it. i just wanted everyone to know that this is the shit that i obsess about most of the hours of the day instead of how to hablar espanol.

that is about all that is going on school is almost over, my new job is snoozeville, i got called a fat bitch by some surly midget like friend from high school who turned off project runway while i was in the middle of watching it, i had a medical anomaly which caused the doctor to go Woah.

i am planning my next semester and it is way more exciting history of art, film production, screenwriting, & photography. i just should of went to art school why am i wasting my time with all these other "real" classes spanish and computer science bleh that's not fun or useful.

good & bad...

Wed, 11 Apr 2007 16:22:14 GMT

bad: i am jobless again. i hate new york i have never had problems finding a job so much as in this stupid place. while i was away in vermont trying to wallow thom got hit by a cab. he was in the hospital for 5 days and has been pretty lousy since then. between his surgery scar and wound from where then he's bone was sticking out. so he wont need a skin graft like they thought but he won't be able to get a hard cast for like another month. which means he will have a cast all summer. bummer. no amusement parks, no ocean swims, and all around just lame.
good: i will be working the tribeca film festival and i go assigned to the main cinema so apparently that's where all the parties and premiers are. rad. thom has gotten a call from a tv company about his show. they are pretty interested and trying to get the ball rolling quickly. they want him to get reels together for a convention in london in a month or so. so pretty much we needed this week.

backwards

Thu, 08 Mar 2007 06:56:32 GMT

i lost my job
i am retarded
i am very lost in my life right now
thom and i are probably not going to make it
i'm just really, really lost i just really wish i was someone else for the first time in my life
i am tired of fighting with myself
i love thom i wish this would work so so much
i am going to boston and vermont this weekend i am very excited never been

sigh

i'm trying...

Fri, 16 Feb 2007 07:57:27 GMT

i got a job.
i have sent off all my financial papers for FAFSA.
i roasted a chicken.
pointless.
my v day was spent being very everyday.
i have to reapply to college they lost my application.
that's not a good sign.
now if i just get going to the gym i'll be on a good roll.

the vote is in...

Sat, 03 Feb 2007 20:18:28 GMT

i am over new york. i just am. i am homesick. i miss friends. i miss any kind of company honestly. thom just got relocated to far off harlem that's an hour an half commute on to his already 10 hour plus day. i am so sick of trying to make this work for me. fuck.

i missed...

Thu, 11 Jan 2007 07:10:18 GMT

you. i did.

on countdown...

Wed, 10 Jan 2007 07:19:43 GMT

i leave on thursday for vacation. i am stoked beyond words. i can't wait to sit on my balcony watching jungles and crystal clear water glide on by. before i leave let me vent.

i'm sick of drinking. i'm sick of my boyfriend's drinking. i love him. he is the best person i have ever known but i'm still sick of it. one day i hope i have a job so i can earn the right to fucking care about him.

i hate middle of some age life crisis movie that involves them cheating and somehow coming to some amazing insightful conclusion by wrapping it up with i was scared, i learned a lesson. fuck that and fuck you that's not insightful it's selfish bullshit.

ex dude. who thinks it's funny that you were a fucking asshole douchebag who walked all over me. you have never apoligized and i assume never will. we get along on a level that i don't get along with most people so i try to let it go without bringing it up cause i know you don't give a shit. hey guess what it's not cool to be a souless motherfucker especially years after the fact when you have had time to reflect and the other person has been supportive and nice to you. telling people your a dickbag up front does not absolve you from rules of humanity. good luck to you and your new lady be a good dude for once it won't kill you i swear.

i hope things haven't changed between me and another close person. it feels akward. i really, really don't want that.

i think that's about it. on other good notes...

i spent a 70 degree new york saturday at the park with tom, bobo, and friends. we played frisbee and talked about the dude that invented the spermbank. then we went to catch a free trolley ride to look at led xmas lites in the park. trolley cool, lights cool, tour guide trainwreck, but to the point it was funny to see what would happen next. then off to free night at the museum of brooklyn. it was packed but tom and i stared at large realistic fiberglass babies and penises. yeh ron mueck.

monday - cozumel
tuesday - belize
wednesday - costa maya
friday - bahamas

i don't feel like buying new foundation to match my soon to be mocha skin. small price to pay.

see you later alligators

i will

Mon, 27 Nov 2006 00:43:15 GMT

ruin things for sure.
will i be happy about it ?
no
can i do something about it ?
probably
chances though unlikely

rotten stinking

Mon, 20 Nov 2006 20:06:21 GMT

good for nothing day.

we got

Sat, 18 Nov 2006 08:26:31 GMT

it on tonight. i hate baltimore, you make me miss you so much.

30 days later

Thu, 09 Nov 2006 22:01:44 GMT

so i have some sketchy job interview for a jewerly sales job. that is outside and lasts exactly 30 days. which honestly is perfect for me because it pays 11$ under the table which is awesome and i don't have to work after christmas so i have enough money for the cruise and salem. so after christmas will pretty much be like a month vacation which fucking rocks. i don't need a vacation but i'm sure tom will enjoy a month hiatus.
i have some growth on my face i thought it was a pimple but it since has morphed and is taking over my face. i do not want to leave the house but tonight is lucero and william whitmore which means i have to go out. i am going by myself, sigh. i hope it is really dark in there. though i am not trying to impress any mens i do usually talk to random stranger and don't want to get the quasimodo sympathy eye and head tilt.
i dreamt i was coordinating a fashion show at oprah's house and i designed dresses that made everyone look like elaborate snack cakes. go figure.
i made red curry chicken last night it was yummy.
tonight san loco tacos it's an obsession.

oh by the way...

Wed, 08 Nov 2006 22:19:38 GMT

to be widly unpopular i hated, HATED Marie Anttoinette. i won't go into details because it would be long and ugly. i tried to walk out on it but i had an hour to kill and the rocky horror people were on pcp or something and scaring me. i didn't even get to see a beheading which i think is the real reason i held out till the end. sorry sarah and carla because you will probably see it and love it, don't judge me. i also don't like me you and everyone we know. i'm sorry i feel like i'm missing some kind of gene. i did watch just like heaven last night and found it pretty enjoyable.
on a substantial note dude where was everyone for the 2004 elections we could of saved ourselves 2 years. i hope the democrats grow a pair and do something worthwhile with this gift the people have given them. chances are though ?

cmj is for assholes...

Wed, 08 Nov 2006 00:35:50 GMT

and old dudes in turtle necks. i won't even get into the asshole behavior i had to deal with at my usual favorite bars. the dimmak showcase was my favorite don't really like dimmak but it was really good. the first band sounded like good old against me but more fun and rocky. the next band had some chic that sang opereta and had a former nin backing band. sean na na which is har mar superstar's pop punk band. they were actually great and played really fun songs. i had my picture taken by paste magazine it was very complicated and windy and he got really high up to i think get a cleavage shot. besides this i have been involved with trying to sew learning the garment district does not cater to idiot novices. wandering to all things haunted such as the village parade, screamfest at six flags, and the haunted penitentary in philly(scareeeeee). i've been reading the george jones biography which i picked up at the cakeshop where i thought i made an awesome joke the clerk who i couldn't decide was a male or female or shemale looked me down sternly. then george got me in trouble later that night by making me have a obnoxious and badly ended conversation with the drummer from midtown. either 1. i don't have enough ego for new york
2. i am not a hot hipster 18 year old that dudes want to bang out
3. or i am terribly horrible at social situations
4. or i have not found the hub of awesome new york people
either way lately all efforts put forth to have a general conversation or "small talk" has gone terribly, terribly awry and i am getting very sick of it.
anyways.
tom and i have been doing badly lately. it is very draining. i need to get myself in order. blah blah blah blah. i got a sweet new cookbook it's aussie and delightful donna hay look into it her stuff is yummy and simple. i also have been eyeing that vintage apron book and been looking into buying land in pa have i snapped ? i love city life, but i think i need a country house. i think i can talk tom into this. gardens and homemade jam maybe a few goats who knows.

thursdays...

Fri, 27 Oct 2006 13:55:13 GMT

are always crazy times in new york. i don't know why it's just a big day here. so i figured i would go to my old dance night i slapped on my pushead misfits shirt and got ready to get rowdy. my favorite dj played bad new wave all night as i waited for tom to get off of judge hatchet or whatever, i wandered. i met a pair of denmark people apparently venice, denmark didn't know they had a venice there. i think the guy said his name was trollz he went on to stick his hand up my shirt where i decided it was time to walk away. when i yelled at him he tried to pull the oh was that over the line i didn't know i'm from denmark. i have a feeling that is not common practice in denmark. i met a lesbian couple that also had a run in with the denmark people we bonded and became bar buds for the night. i think the one girl had a crush on me she kept telling me how awesome i was she was pretty hot you know if i dug the vag i would of totally been about it. while we were downstairs dancing a older looking man came up and struck conversation with in this conversation he offered to buy a drink, share some lines, and went on to tell me about his large male member. he looked old enough to understand that when your creepy not one or all of those combined will woo a lady, but then again maybe it does. either way i turned him down for all three and went about my business. there was no real point to any of this it was just a lot of combined sexual creepiness in one night just wanted to share.

well duh...

Mon, 16 Oct 2006 17:52:21 GMT

HowManyOfMe.com

There are:
0
people with my name
in the U.S.A.

How many have your name?

dom

Tue, 03 Oct 2006 04:50:41 GMT

estic. i baked a pumpkin pie saturday. i hate pumpkin pie, but i amuse myself whenever i bake. everytime i bake i turn into an i love lucy episode. this is by no means on purpose mostly due to my stupidity and airheadiness. i enjoy cooking though and since recently moving my record player to the living room it has become a joy. i wish i had a kitchen with a window though that would be heavenly. to smell crisp fall air while dancing around in an apron. heaven. i can't wait to do haunted stuff this week. though as i get older i totally turn into more of a scaredy cat and don't appreciate the absurd macabre like i use to. we are going to six flags fright fest so i'm pretty sure it will be pretty tame. i just can't wait to ride the new wooden roller coaster and the kingda ka at night SCARY !

you know what rules...

Thu, 28 Sep 2006 04:48:53 GMT

my boyfriend & sarah f.
my boyfriend besides being a hilarious wonderful man to a very difficult lazy girl. he supports me in everything. i want to go to school, do it. i want to not work for months on end, won't nag me about finding a job. i want to stay in baltimore for a week and party and go to shows he would love to go to while he works 10 hour days editing judge lopez, have a good time. thom is an amazing selfless man who has done everything for me and i don't tell him enough. i write all these lame sad bitchy entries well not today.
also thru tom i have made the most wonderful friend who in the short time of knowing each other have been able to share in some of my favorite memories. including a awesome cruise and stellar korean bbq & lucero show. i love the feeling of playing hookie from life then running off to have an adventure. it is one of my favorite feelings in the world.
anyways life is awesome and we solidified our next cruise for sometime in january. it will be 7 days in grand cayman, costa may, belize city(the great blue hole), and cozumel. i hopefully be at least 20+lbs lighter and have a tan in febuary be jealous.
cory branan ruled last night. he was very sweet, played wayward down for me, was very nice when i showed him my boobs, bought us whiskey, and gave me a free record. baltimore is always so crazy i do not know how you kids do it every night. i do not think i was up for the challenge.
the project runway twist was...
i don't know how i feel about it yet, let me get back to you.

today...

Fri, 22 Sep 2006 02:27:45 GMT

i was sitting in a tepid bath, crying, tearing myself up about today. tearing myself apart. i go to interview after interview and get turned down. i feel i am at a weird middle road where i am qualified enough for positions and we laugh and share life stories but then i disappear. on paper i look as i've wandered aimlessly thru, the novelty of past jobs wearing as i grow older. i've always been proud of my speckled job history take pride in not having illusions of grandeur.
take for example the other nite i was hit on by this gentleman. we discussed music and he went on to say "well i am the east coast's biggest promoter" for the genre we were discussing. my reply, i don't care if your a big promoter or not i'm just happy to talk music.
tonight though i realize i'm just to not caring about being ambitious. my personality and such are starting to blend into the crowd. i have watch my friends be able to expand on who they are and i think i have actually stepped back on who i am. i do not define myself by a job or how people view me i am happy just being. i don't feel i am experiencing anymore.

perfectly up and down...

Mon, 10 Jul 2006 05:05:06 GMT

so has the last month or so been. i have tickets to murder city but now tom has not had a job for 2 weeks and things are looking slim. got a cruise to canada for my birthday i love boats and water and cruisewear so i am oh so very excited. spent some more birthday time in baltimore at korean bbq with the parents. then my dad and i went to lucero just when i think a lucero show couldn't top another having my dad there definetly was tops. he was so cute and we danced and i made him examine mel and i's matching tattoos.
my one real kind of friend here moved back to nashville though i am excited to have someone in nashville to visit i miss her tons. i did score lots of sweet swag from her move though. had some friends visit i stayed out to late i have not heard the fucking end of it yet. the old i'm a horrible girlfriend, i'm the best boyfriend you don't appreciate me gig is getting old. i think every other day for a week he has threatened to kick me out of the house. this is very wearing especially because he doesn't mean it i just know he wants some kind of reaction and i'm not sure what cause i'm sure i've done them all.
friends are coming to town thursday they bought us tickets to the weakerthans, i hate the weakerthans. now i have also discovered dr.frank will be playing that day i can't wait so ready to get my pop punk acoustic jam on, two martinis here i come.
outside there is one lone cloud encircling the moon in a very omnious way maybe it's just cause i woke up but i swear it's creepy. why does new york always feel so apocalyptic.

west coast here i come...

Wed, 14 Jun 2006 02:27:12 GMT

i will be visiting seattle in about a month. i will be seeing the murder city devils reunion show. i shall be sleeping at a hostel for 4 days not because i can't afford to stay at a hotel but to meet random weird people. i might have a pretty awesome traveling companion i am more than stoked since she is planning to get knocked up in november. my job sucks and is trying to steal my soul but what's new. i want to take sailing lessons really, really badly. my birthday is june 25th i am not that excited.

shat and broadway...

Mon, 06 Feb 2006 11:22:45 GMT

shat - they were fun, but creepy.

chicago - it was fun, but also kind of creepy.

wow who would of thought these two could fall into the same spectrum.

also shat had fat men in thongs with dildos strapped to them singing tit fuck.
chicago had buffed out men in velvet stretch bellbottoms singing razzle dazzle.